Autumn Leaf

There are days when I find it hard to get out of bed,
Days when the mornings felt like lead,
I get so angry that I’ve never achieved,
I felt elated all because I’ve procrastinated,
All the time I’ve spent alone and never dated,
Fear of being criticized or berated

Every week you say you’re so robotic,
My life feels so episodic,
It’s the same cast, different day,
The problem is whether to run or stay.

You can be ignorant whenever someone mentions mental health,
You say they should be all locked up,
Take away the shoes and belt,
If the tables were turned and you had to play the cards I was dealt,
It’s a completely different hand,
And you would be harping on for our rights to beat the band.

When I’m surrounded by friends I feel such a phony,
They are so close to me and yet I’m so lonely,
I don’t want to be the only,
The only one that knows what’s going on,
Yes! – there’s something wrong.

I want to prove to you I’m not a freak,
Yes, there are many things I need to tweak,
The biggest is the fear of an information leak,
As to whom you will speak,
This is why I feel so vulnerable and weak.

I never know which road to take, which avenue,
Should I take the risk and trust you,
Or should I scream out, loud and clear,
Let them know, far and near.

The relief will be beyond belief,
I’ll float like an autumn leaf

My words may scare and frighten, some will run away,
But I know those true to me will turn and stay,
There for me every step of the way,
As I fight to see the light of tomorrow’s day.

I want you to know, I never lied to you,
I am a master in the Art of deflection,
My fear of rejection,
Came at the cost of true affection.

I never lied to you because I care,
I promised you I’d always be there,
All I wanted was to protect you,
Because I knew how this would affect you.

That’s got to change; I want to move on,
It’s a massive bet to hedge,
But that doesn’t mean I want to,
Go straight over the ledge.

I don’t want you to be under any illusion,
It will be a long journey, with lots of questions and confusion,
I’ve see the dark and I’m ready for the fight,
The fight that is going to take me back to that once fading light,
When I’m there I can relax and breathe the air.

It will be such a relief,
Beyond belief,
When I get to be that Autumn leaf.